It's been almost 2.5 weeks since I've posted. I'm not sure why. I was in Alaska and then 5 days after I returned, I went to Calgary to attend the Bold & Visible Monologues and see my soul sister, Tracy tell her story. It was amazing. And I've had an amazing fall. However, today isn't amazing. And sometimes we need to write about that. I don't feel well. I got a cold the day after Thanksgiving, so I sat on my couch most of last weekend. I rallied a bit and got Christmas decorations out and went to an HR Association event.
But the last couple of days, I've felt blah, and sad, my sinuses have been killing me (and yes, I'm taking all the over-the-counter things, and no, I don't have COVID). I am better than last week, but still not great. I decided to finish decorating my Christmas tree(s) and put a mantel above my new electric fireplace to do something. I've watched countless Hallmark movies and Boise got the first snowfall of the year yesterday, so I even shoveled. It helps but it's still not great.
I should go back and tell you that I had a clown collection when I was a kid. Yes, I did. I'm not sure why clowns. Maybe it's because my Mom made our Halloween costumes and for a few years I was a clown. I'm not sure. The ones I had (still have a few, but not sure where they are), were happy, not creepy! It seemed everyone had a collection in the late 70s and early 80s. No, maybe just me?
In my Adult Gap Year journey, I post on Facebook where I've been and where I'm going. And many people tell me "you are living the life." And, yes, yes, I am. In the last few weeks of reflection, I realized that I always "put on a happy face." Honestly, if I'm not happy, people wonder why. My whole life I've been the one who helps others (and I enjoy doing it). I find the perfect gift (I really do enjoy this). I send them the card or the text when they need it. I wish them Happy Birthday on Facebook, religiously. And the pictures I post on Facebook are of me smiling. Who posts the sad ones, no one. We know this. We know that social media is mostly the good parts of people's lives. And that is amazing. However, it can create a false narrative of their lives.
So, today, I'm giving you the real me. I know tomorrow will be better, but today I cried while I was in the Starbucks drive-through waiting for my Medicine Ball tea (if you have not tried this, it is great for sore throats, etc.) And I hate that when I cry, it makes my head and sinuses hurt more than they already do. But that's ok. I had to let it out. And most of you that know me, know I'm a crier. But today was the deep down, I am mourning some of the things that I don't have in my life cry.
I know that holidays are hard for many people. I love Christmas! The music, holiday gatherings, helping with the children's play at church, celebrating the birth of Jesus, and finding that special present for the special friends and family in my life. And I do love being solo. But today, I felt alone. I let it creep in. Maybe because I don't feel well. Or it might be because as I'm reflecting, I'm realizing that I miss some of the aspects I had in my life; a partner, family Christmases with everyone there, someone else to help me put up my tree and decorations, help paying the bills (not necessarily money, just actually paying them). Or maybe it's because I have always had this feeling of needing to be perfect, to be right. If I do something it's either the right way or wrong way. I categorize things this way. Usually, not in the middle. Although, these last 8 months, I've learned to hold space and be neutral about a lot of things. Because those things that didn't happen perfectly have put me right where I am today. And I am happy! I am genuinely excited to see where I go next. But this hard world tells us we need to have it all figured out.
And whether you believe that God has a plan, or the universe or your higher power, you want to be in control. It's when we "let go" that we can recognize the amazing things that we could never imagined. A Pastor at a church in Cedar Rapids, Iowa, said instead of "letting go", "let it come." We spend so much time trying to be perfect and control things that we don't see the vast opportunities there are out of not being perfect! I love that! "Let it come." I see myself open to whatever is next when I think about that. I don't worry if it will be right or wrong, or good or bad. It just is. So while you may see my smiling face on Facebook or the next time you see me in person, please know, that I don't always "put on a happy face." And that is ok. It's the ebb and flow of life that truly lets us experience this journey we are on.
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